At that time, I was very much a tomboy and into sports playing everyday, we were a group of neighborhood kids and we played outside from dusk til dawn almost everyday in the summers and as much as possible in the school year, all different types of activities, but our main love was athletics, soccer, football, street hockey, baseball, basketball, we really did it all, and within this point of athletics, I excelled. Most of the kids I played with were boys, and so I defined myself according to this male perspective, seeing females as less then the males based on myself having really no interest within what they were into, and thus saw what they did was weak and not fun. So with the males in my group that were my 'competitors' throughout my childhood, I developed this idea that I am a special kind of girl as I am strong and able to compete with these boys, which gave me confidence within myself and respect among the others in the group I was in as a kid. Using the strnegth I developed and saw I possessed within being able to compete with the all the boys I was friends with as a gauge for who I am, a strong female, and thus superior to the other female whom I saw as weak because they were not able to compete with me at that stage in my small group among my neighborhood friends. So this is interesting as it developed my understanding among the dynamic within society of males being 'stronger' and more 'powerful' then the females as I easily saw it within what I was participating in, and fully lived into this seeing myself more superior and dominant to females especially because I was more like the boys, I was strong, I was a strong competitor.
Within this time, I did not have a real judgment towards myself within my physical look, because within myself I was thinking that I am very cool as I was respected and seen within all my friends as a girl who you couldn't mess with because I could compete with all the top boys in the area, and I often could beat them. I saw this point of winning as a defining point of who I was, I was able to win and thus was strong, and thus within my mind those who played sports were better and cooler people then those who didn't because sports was the best thing one could do and be good at because this is what I was the best at and the most good at, so it was a point of self interest to survive among my peers and have the best chance to be popular, get attention, and gain power among them. I had to find something I could compete with them to show I am worthy, I am strong, and this I got within my excelling in athletics for the moment.
This position I held within my group of friends and neighbors, created a point of ego within me, a point were I saw myself better then others and superior because I had gained this respect and thus had all the attention on me based on the skills I possessed that was not usual for girls, especially with the girls in my neighborhood. Allot of the other girls around my neighborhood were just not into sports like I was, but this I didn't consider because of the fact that I thought that sports was the 'top' point in this world to be good at and within being good, you were cool. Being girly and doing girly things like play with dolls and dress up was boring and seen by myself as weak, like there was no point of proving yourself within it and showing who you are, and so these activities with no competition, I saw as useless.
This point of being cool is something I desired, I saw that being cool is something that makes you get these points I desired within my group of friends, power, respect, leadership, and attention, and I saw how this played out within my older sisters, how they developed themselves and molded themselves within their social circles to be 'cool', what clothes they wore, what music they listened to, what kind of people they hung out with, what they did, what words they used, and so I used my sisters, most were older, as a point of reference for myself to know what is cool and what is not cool within the life I was living. So I was in a sense like a sponge soaking up my surroundings around me, specifying and defining myself on my definition of what cool was based on what I was seeing and interpreting in my everyday life.
And thus being a dork or someone who was not skilled or popular was the complete opposite of anything I wanted to be associated with, it's like being a complete 'loser' within everything I had ever known and grown up with, so it's like a loss in life, and not being able to get my 'wants' met within the desire I had within me to live out and fulfill which were many. And so seeing myself as a complete inferior being to those that were the 'cool' ones was absolutely unacceptable and out of the question, as I know compared myself to my sisters and had to hold my position not only within my social group as friends, but in my family unit as being part of a 'cool' 'well known' family in my town. I had the reputation to live up to now in my mind within my family, as I saw us as cool, so I had created myself into a person that had to become this, in my mind this is who I am, where I come from, everyone around me is 'cool' and so I must and have to be this as well. I lived for this and I expected it at a very young age to be seen as someone who is cool and liked. Obviously life is not what one expects, and so I will write more on this too come of the next stage in entering the years leading up to and going into being a teenager.
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